Crosswords

When I was a kid, I really disliked crosswords because I had a hard time with not knowing. I would read the clues and think of some obvious answer, but it wouldn’t fit. Or worse, it WOULD fit, and later turn out to be wrong. I hated erasing my answers. Hated the feeling of being unsure. Hated that I couldn’t just go through the clues, write them easily in the squares and be done with it.

Once I got to school and we started doing vocabulary crosswords, where everything fit in the boxes and the answers were clear and it was easy, I loved it. I wanted affirmation that I understood, not the discomfort of misunderstanding or simply not having the context to understand the answer.

As an adult, I have found that I enjoy the crossword much more. Maybe I’ve grown up enough to realize I’m not going to understand every clue. Maybe it’s the assurance that another crossword will arrive with tomorrow’s paper. Of course, there is still a great feeling of accomplishment when I complete one correctly, but I have found that I am also more comfortable with letting them go unfinished.

I think in some ways, this is a great metaphor for my “faith journey.” As a kid, I thought I had the answers. I knew the shape of the universe, understood the rules, and knew that good actions led to good results. But that faith doesn’t allow for bumps and discomfort and not understanding. Where I am today is comfortable with not knowing. I don’t think things add up and come packaged in a book, the way I was taught. I don’t think God can be contained in a book or a religion or a person. And sometimes, I think I understand. Think I glimpse the devine. But then something else happens and I am thrown into the dark again.

I miss the comfort of believing I understand the rules. Of believing that there ARE rules. Sometimes something terrible happens and as anxiety washes over me, I wish I still had the comfort of prayer. But these days, I lean into my breath and remind myself that I can focus on the next right thing, whatever I think that is. Not knowing is still hard, still uncomfortable, but it is the nature of life, and sometimes it is all that I have access to.